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Options 1286 to 1296
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Discover that you have an identical twin that everyone thinks is way more awesome and wonderful and nice than you are
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Take 30 hits of acid
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Fall into a vat of human eyeballs
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When your spouse has a cold they don't blow their nose, they just let the snot flow out as it will
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Live as a monster
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Become a werecow
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All liquids taste unbearably disgusting to you, except whiskey
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Only eat hot-pockets for the rest of your life
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Every conversation you have ends awkwardly
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Nicholas Cage was god-emperor of the world